The Importance of Affection and Kindness in Marriage

Salam Aleykam,

I'm going to talk about the importance of affection between spouses. Please abstain from yelling about cooties, and read until the end.

People need love in their lives. When we’re young, our parents take care of us until we are old enough to survive independantly of their wealth and care. It’s unfortunate that many parents and children alike abstain from being affectionate with each other past a certain age. I’ve always been a very affectionate person, but I had no one to shower hugs and kisses on but my cats. My father was also affectionate in that he craved hugs and love from his children, but when he became very abusive, it was impossible for me to reach out to him that way. 

When I think about this now, I really wish that I had tried harder with my father. I wish that I could hug him now and tell him how much I love him, despite everything that he has done to me. There’s something about being bipolar that makes people really needy for love, but it also makes people very difficult to love at times. That results in great loneliness for me, and an inability to reach out to others for fear of being rejected. During episodes, I’ll say and do the stupidest things, and it’s hard for people to relax and be comfortable with me for awhile afterwards. People get scared of my moods, just as I would be scared of my father’s- I never knew when the glint in his eye was one of joy or of rage.

I would always try to be affectionate with my mother, but she wasn’t a very warm person. I have one memory that still hurts a lot when I think about it. I was about seven, and I was trying to hug her, and she rolled her eyes and sighed in a way like it was asking too much of her, then gave me a weak hug. She loved us all very much, but she just didn’t know how to show it. My brothers didn’t know how to be affectionate either. Alhamdilullah, we had so many cats at home that there was always a warm body for me to squeeze when I was lonely, but human touch still would have been appreciated.

Because of the lack of affection displayed in my family, as the years went by, it became harder and harder for me to be affectionate with other people, which led to issues with emotional intimacy as well. It got to the point that I couldn’t even stand to sit close by other people. It’s tied in with my fear of germs, which is also inherited from my father. Closeness=potential betrayal, hurt, infection, disease, and ultimately, regret.

But J. is very affectionate, Alhamdilullah. I really didn’t know how to respond to it at first. I couldn’t understand how a guy could be so sweet and loving, while expecting nothing of me in return. You know what I mean? He wasn’t trying to get anything from me, he was just showing me kindness, the first real kindness that I’d ever known. The first time he hugged me, the warmth I felt was out of this world. The closest thing that resembles it is that feeling I get when praying in the mosque, shoulder to shoulder with my beloved sisters, directing our thoughts and prayers towards Allah s.w.t. It’s like the most beautiful light just washes over me, until I am bathed in it, and I emerge clean, my heart opened, spilling over with love. I feel restored, replenished, and pure. And I feel so much love.

As with every other area of our lives, we should look to the character of Muhammed s.a.w. for guidance on how to treat our spouses and family. The Prophet s.a.w. was very affectionate with his wives and children, he played sports with Aisha r.a. and always treated her with the utmost kindness, and he appreciated her feistiness, instead of seeing it as an affront to his masculinity, as many men today would see it.

"From among the believers are those who have the kindest disposition and are the kindest to their families- such are those who show the most perfect faith. The best among them are those who are kindest to their wives." [Bukhari and Muslim]

Kindness in marriage is paramount to the success of the relationship. There are days when J. and I are both exhausted and prone to irritability, and we might snap at each other. If it turns into an argument, it’s so painful for both of us to be mad at each other that we always work at settling it as soon as possible. We make a point never to go to bed angry, even if it means staying up late during the week.

If I’m feeling emotional, I can get easily offended by J’s playful teasing, even though I know he doesn’t mean it to hurt me. And sometimes when he apologizes I still feel hurt, but he’ll keep making funny faces and calling me by the cute nicknames we have for each other until my heart softens. Something that I have to work on as a wife and as a human being, is learning not to be so stubborn. Before I learned from J’s example, if someone hurt me very badly I would do my best to hurt them ten times more than they had hurt me. I would go way, way overboard with my retaliation, and I wouldn’t feel satisfied until I had the other person in tears. Estagfirillah, I really used to hurt a lot of people that way. From J’s example, I’ve really, really matured when it comes to how I respond to adversity, and I’ve learned to be much more gentle in speech.

Cuddling in marriage is very important. You know that babies who aren’t held often enough can get really sick and even die. It’s called failure to thrive. Well, think of your spouses as big babies who are capable of dressing themselves and holding jobs. but still need lots of hugs and kisses to able to thrive.

“Among his signs is the fact that He has created spouses for you from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquillity with them; and he has put love and mercy between you. In that are signs for people who reflect.” Qur’an 30:21.

That’s one of my favorite verses in the whole Qur’an. Love and affection are from Allah s.w.t, so we should strive to be loving and affectionate with our spouses, and with our families. Every act of kindness we do towards our spouses is counted as a good deed, just as everything a Muslim does for the sake of Allah is counted as a good deed. This is how much Allah loves us- we give Bismillah before we pray, before we eat, before we do any other daily activity, and these simple things are counted as good deeds. So it makes perfect sense that acting with kindness towards our spouses will make Allah very happy with us.

I love to kiss my husband all over his face, and with each kiss, I say, a blessing for you here, a blessing for you there, another blessing over here... we giggle about it, and it’s good to be silly with your partners sometimes. As verse 30:21 of the Qur’an says, we are to find tranquillity with our spouses, they are a perfect release for all of the love that we have inside of ourselves.

Hugging and kissing and cuddling is not just for foreplay preceding marital relations. It helps sustain emotional intimacy through out the day, and even a squeeze here and there releases oxytocin, the cuddling hormone, which helps sustain intimate bonds long after the body has built up a tolerance to the feel-good endorphins we have during the initial burst of love. This is why cuddling is very important in marriage- like sex, good cuddles strengthen the marital bond and prevent us from seeking intimacy in haram ways. J. describes cuddling as the part of the day when our souls get to meet and talk to each other, after being away from each other all day. Isn’t that beautiful?

In conclusion, for those of you who have read this far, go give someone you love a nice, big hug. It can be a parent, a sibling, a spouse, or a pet. Be kind to your loved ones, so Allah s.w.t. will be kind to you.