I’m going to tell you now of how I came to be married, despite very hostile views on marriage. It’s a bit of an unorthodox journey, and inshAllah the marriage process will be much easier for those who are reading, but Allah knows best, and everything happens for a reason. It’s also important for me to write this, so potential readers will have some background information on me and my life, as I will refer back to some of the things I write here in future posts, inshAllah.
The marriage of J-Z, a Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, in a faraway land of ice and snow, there lived a beautiful young girl named Zelephant. Zelephant's real name started with a Z, and like an elephant, she never forgot anything, which people found alternately impressive and also, a little bit creepy. Like when she would catch people in lies because she remembered them telling her three different versions of why they cancelled their plans with her that day that she was really lonely. Anyway, Zelephant had had some really bad experiences at home with her family, because they practiced a strange version of Islam, one that dictated men should beat their wives, and then marry more wives, and also sleep with lots of non-Muslim women, because men who didn't sleep around were totally gay. Estagfirillah. The readers of this fairy tale should all make dua that Zelephant's family be guided to the true beauty of Islam, and stop getting their lessons on Islam from Fox News.
Since she had had such terrible experiences with the men in her family, Zelephant actually really hated men. When her father pulled her out of school because he didn't trust her to go to university alone, the government stopped giving him money for her, since she was no longer considered a dependent. So, as she was no longer useful to him, Zelephant's father began arranging a marriage for her, with a wealthy doctor, many years her senior, whom she had never met. Zelephant had put up with a lifetime of beatings, death threats, and being told that women are the source of all evil and even the best Muslim woman will be a whore if given the chance, Estagfirillah, but she would not put up with a forced marriage.
Zelephant put up with the other stuff because she loved her family so much, but the idea of getting married against her will was too much for her. Alhamdilullah, from a very early age, Zelephant was blessed with the ability to know when things don't make sense, and a hunger for knowledge. So, many years earlier, when she had thought that Islam was bad because her father was bad, and it couldn't possibly be the right religion because God couldn't possibly hate women, Allah guided her to the true teachings of Islam, and she realized that her father was in great error.
Now, Zelephant knew that Muslim women are allowed to choose their own husbands, so long as the man is pious and a good match. She also knew that many men had approached her father about marriage to her, but she had never met any of these men. As her father liked to say, while justifying his refusal to let her go to the mosque for sisters halaqas, "My Daughter is not to be seen by those men! She is not for sale, except by the right buyer." Basically, Zelephant's dad was really racist, and only wanted her to marry a man with fair skin, lots of money, and a penchant for beating women, as he thought this the best way to keep his strong-willed daughter in check.
Yet, word had obviously spread of Zelephant's awesomeness, and many a man had approached her father. Her father was finally pleased with one of them, for the man was rich, fair skinned, religious, and came from the proper region and bloodline. He was also going to give 10,000 euros for the fair maiden's hand, a vast sum of money at that time. Zelephant knew that the bride is supposed to receive the dowry to spend on whatever she pleases, and as a sort of safety net in case the marriage fails. But Zelephant's father was going to take the money to pay off some of his debts instead, although he said it was for "safe-keeping".
And so, fearing marriage to a man her demanding, unIslamic, and abusive father actually approved of, who had agreed to marry her after only having seen her photo, the fair maiden left home. Ran away, like an abused puppy, towards a frightening and uncertain future. It was the hardest thing she ever had to do in her life, but she feared that a forced marriage would result in her suicide, so much did she fear and hate the idea of having sexual relations with a man. For, while her father had encouraged her brothers to engage in pre-marital sex, given them pornography as children so they wouldn't be gay, and cheated on Zelephant's mother with boastful pride, (which he really liked to talk about when guests were over, for some strange reason), he was also known to mention once or twenty times a day that women are all whores , and women who even talk to men asides from their husbands, fathers, and brothers, should be killed. Zelephant knew she wasn't a whore, since she had never so much as held hands with a man, and actually found them to be very disgusting creatures, and so she dreaded the idea of ever marrying one.
But Allah s.w.t. did not want Zelephant to be single, so he sent two wonderful men into her life. One of them was Dr.Syed, the man who was instrumental in keeping her on the straight path, may Allah bless him in this life and the next, and the other one was the handsome, sweet, kind, and unbelievably wonderful man who would eventually become Zelephant's husband.
Now, since Zelephant had experienced so much violence and craziness at home, after she left home, she kind of went crazy herself. Her father had always told her that girls who don't obey their fathers are going to hell forever and ever, so Zelephant stopped praying for awhile after she left home, because she didn't think there was use to it if she was going to hell forever. Sadly, Zelephant was in so much pain that she started drinking alcohol instead of turning to Allah. She went even more crazy, stopped sleeping completely because of nightmares, and ended up in the hospital a couple of times after she started seeing really spooky things when she was awake. (That happens when you don’t sleep for a few days). Eventually, she was referred to a psychiatrist by the name of Dr.Syed.
Dr.Syed was, for lack of a better term, totally for the win. He told Zelephant that she was not going to hell for leaving home, because what her father had been doing and saying was really haram and against Islam, and it was unsafe for her to be in that environment and completely against Islam to marry someone against her will. Dr.Syed diagnosed Zelephant with bipolar disorder, which is a really crappy illness where the person is really happy sometimes, and really angry and sad some of the time, and then sometimes they get to be normal and stable. But lots of cool and influential people in history have had bipolar, because when it’s not making you wig out and do and say really stupid things, it actually makes you more cool than most people. Basically, Allah s.w.t. has conferred certain advantages to this terrible illness, and there’s even books written by doctors on how bipolars are totally creative and awesome.
Dr.Syed also diagnosed Zelephant with PTSD, a horrible disorder that sadly, has no advantages. People get PTSD when they’ve seen and experienced really bad traumas and don’t know how to deal with them, so they’re really scared of everything and often end up with substance abuse problems. Very, very, sad.
Dr.Syed told Zelephant that, judging by what she had told him about her father and the wacky things he had done, he probably also suffered from bipolar disorder. As Zelephant learned more about the illness, she saw how many of the symptoms her father had, and she was able to stop hating him, and even started to love and feel sorry for him, knowing how destructive the disease is, and how very, very painful it can be. When researching bipolar medication, she came across one that had been prescribed to her father, but that he had never taken. (He always believed that his family was trying to make him feel crazy, which is why he would make his daughter and wife taste his food before he did, since he thought people were trying to poison him).
Zelephant saw Dr.Syed for a few years, during which time he treated her for her craziness, and helped her heal quite a bit. He was very knowledgable in Islam, and his knowledge helped her make sense of her experiences, why bad things seemed to keep happening to her, and why she shouldn’t feel the terrible guilt she felt over leaving her family.
He also spoke to her about the importance of marriage in Islam. As Zelephant had had such terrible experiences with the men in her family, the idea of marriage remained terrifying. Although she saw that Dr.Syed was a pious, kind, sweet man, who spoke very lovingly of his wife and daughters, she doubted that she would be lucky enough to have such a marriage.
But something very strange happened to Zelephant then. She fell in love, with J, a man that she had actually known for years as a friend. One day, much to her astonishment, she realized that she was attracted to him. This actually made her feel really embarrassed, since she could only accept men as being decent when sex was removed from the “male question”. Alas, his handsomeness, kindness, and sweetness became so evident to her one day, that she saw him as a potential partner.
She recognized his goodness when she found out that he was still a virgin. Although he had dated a few girls in the past, he had never had sex with any of them. This truly astounded Zelephant, because this man was so handsome that he could have had whomever he wanted, and she had always thought that men were driven by their wangs, and not by piety. When she found out that he didn’t think it was right to have sex before marriage, and he was waiting for the right woman, she knew then that it was meant to be. Something that had bothered Zelephant very much about the idea of being with a man was the thought that the man may have already been with countless women. As she had always believed that a woman’s virginity is a sacred thing, she never would have given it to a man who did not have the decency to wait until marriage.
The problem was that he was only just beginning to learn about Islam. Zelephant knew that a Muslim woman could only marry a Muslim man, and this caused her much distress. She couldn’t understand why Allah s.w.t. would finally put love and desire in her heart, for such a wonderful man, only for the relationship to be forbidden. So it caused a lot of stress for her. But, since he was the only man she had been attracted to, she didn’t want to give up, for she believed that Allah would not put such a love in her heart if it was not meant to be. Allah knows better than we do, and everything happens when Allah wills it.
Zelephant gave him lots of dawah, and he met other Muslims who impressed him with their love for Allah and their unbreakable belief in Islam. Allah s.w.t. is most merciful, and the handsome man, who had lived his life according to Muslim morals and values even when he knew nothing of Islam, was guided to Islam through the purity of his heart and soul, and Allah’s mercy.
Zelephant went with him to the mosque, where he took his shahada. Several minutes after taking his shahada, Zelephant and J. were married. After they left the mosque, as they waited for the bus, J. started talking about how he was going to convert the females in his family first. MashAllah, he already wanted to give dawah minutes after becoming Muslim! Zelephant was very impressed by this, and J. then told her that he had already been telling his friends about Islam for months, long before he took the shahada.
And thus began the greatest happiness that either of them have ever known. J’s eagerness to learn everything possible about Islam in as little time as possible astounded Zelephant so much that she also started reading as much about Islam as possible. MashAllah, everything that J. learns about Islam, he tells to other people. One of his sisters is very close to accepting Islam, Alhamdilullah.
Allah placed in the happy couple a beautiful love, and their relationship is based completely on love- love for Allah, love for Islam, love for the world, and of course, love for each other. Love love love love love. Zelephant is indescribably grateful to Allah for sending her such a wonderful man, and J is indescribably grateful to Allah for guiding him to Islam via the love of Zelephant. SubhanAllah.
And they all lived happily ever after. InshAllah.
Now, Zelephant knew that Muslim women are allowed to choose their own husbands, so long as the man is pious and a good match. She also knew that many men had approached her father about marriage to her, but she had never met any of these men. As her father liked to say, while justifying his refusal to let her go to the mosque for sisters halaqas, "My Daughter is not to be seen by those men! She is not for sale, except by the right buyer." Basically, Zelephant's dad was really racist, and only wanted her to marry a man with fair skin, lots of money, and a penchant for beating women, as he thought this the best way to keep his strong-willed daughter in check.
Yet, word had obviously spread of Zelephant's awesomeness, and many a man had approached her father. Her father was finally pleased with one of them, for the man was rich, fair skinned, religious, and came from the proper region and bloodline. He was also going to give 10,000 euros for the fair maiden's hand, a vast sum of money at that time. Zelephant knew that the bride is supposed to receive the dowry to spend on whatever she pleases, and as a sort of safety net in case the marriage fails. But Zelephant's father was going to take the money to pay off some of his debts instead, although he said it was for "safe-keeping".
And so, fearing marriage to a man her demanding, unIslamic, and abusive father actually approved of, who had agreed to marry her after only having seen her photo, the fair maiden left home. Ran away, like an abused puppy, towards a frightening and uncertain future. It was the hardest thing she ever had to do in her life, but she feared that a forced marriage would result in her suicide, so much did she fear and hate the idea of having sexual relations with a man. For, while her father had encouraged her brothers to engage in pre-marital sex, given them pornography as children so they wouldn't be gay, and cheated on Zelephant's mother with boastful pride, (which he really liked to talk about when guests were over, for some strange reason), he was also known to mention once or twenty times a day that women are all whores , and women who even talk to men asides from their husbands, fathers, and brothers, should be killed. Zelephant knew she wasn't a whore, since she had never so much as held hands with a man, and actually found them to be very disgusting creatures, and so she dreaded the idea of ever marrying one.
But Allah s.w.t. did not want Zelephant to be single, so he sent two wonderful men into her life. One of them was Dr.Syed, the man who was instrumental in keeping her on the straight path, may Allah bless him in this life and the next, and the other one was the handsome, sweet, kind, and unbelievably wonderful man who would eventually become Zelephant's husband.
Now, since Zelephant had experienced so much violence and craziness at home, after she left home, she kind of went crazy herself. Her father had always told her that girls who don't obey their fathers are going to hell forever and ever, so Zelephant stopped praying for awhile after she left home, because she didn't think there was use to it if she was going to hell forever. Sadly, Zelephant was in so much pain that she started drinking alcohol instead of turning to Allah. She went even more crazy, stopped sleeping completely because of nightmares, and ended up in the hospital a couple of times after she started seeing really spooky things when she was awake. (That happens when you don’t sleep for a few days). Eventually, she was referred to a psychiatrist by the name of Dr.Syed.
Dr.Syed was, for lack of a better term, totally for the win. He told Zelephant that she was not going to hell for leaving home, because what her father had been doing and saying was really haram and against Islam, and it was unsafe for her to be in that environment and completely against Islam to marry someone against her will. Dr.Syed diagnosed Zelephant with bipolar disorder, which is a really crappy illness where the person is really happy sometimes, and really angry and sad some of the time, and then sometimes they get to be normal and stable. But lots of cool and influential people in history have had bipolar, because when it’s not making you wig out and do and say really stupid things, it actually makes you more cool than most people. Basically, Allah s.w.t. has conferred certain advantages to this terrible illness, and there’s even books written by doctors on how bipolars are totally creative and awesome.
Dr.Syed also diagnosed Zelephant with PTSD, a horrible disorder that sadly, has no advantages. People get PTSD when they’ve seen and experienced really bad traumas and don’t know how to deal with them, so they’re really scared of everything and often end up with substance abuse problems. Very, very, sad.
Dr.Syed told Zelephant that, judging by what she had told him about her father and the wacky things he had done, he probably also suffered from bipolar disorder. As Zelephant learned more about the illness, she saw how many of the symptoms her father had, and she was able to stop hating him, and even started to love and feel sorry for him, knowing how destructive the disease is, and how very, very painful it can be. When researching bipolar medication, she came across one that had been prescribed to her father, but that he had never taken. (He always believed that his family was trying to make him feel crazy, which is why he would make his daughter and wife taste his food before he did, since he thought people were trying to poison him).
Zelephant saw Dr.Syed for a few years, during which time he treated her for her craziness, and helped her heal quite a bit. He was very knowledgable in Islam, and his knowledge helped her make sense of her experiences, why bad things seemed to keep happening to her, and why she shouldn’t feel the terrible guilt she felt over leaving her family.
He also spoke to her about the importance of marriage in Islam. As Zelephant had had such terrible experiences with the men in her family, the idea of marriage remained terrifying. Although she saw that Dr.Syed was a pious, kind, sweet man, who spoke very lovingly of his wife and daughters, she doubted that she would be lucky enough to have such a marriage.
But something very strange happened to Zelephant then. She fell in love, with J, a man that she had actually known for years as a friend. One day, much to her astonishment, she realized that she was attracted to him. This actually made her feel really embarrassed, since she could only accept men as being decent when sex was removed from the “male question”. Alas, his handsomeness, kindness, and sweetness became so evident to her one day, that she saw him as a potential partner.
She recognized his goodness when she found out that he was still a virgin. Although he had dated a few girls in the past, he had never had sex with any of them. This truly astounded Zelephant, because this man was so handsome that he could have had whomever he wanted, and she had always thought that men were driven by their wangs, and not by piety. When she found out that he didn’t think it was right to have sex before marriage, and he was waiting for the right woman, she knew then that it was meant to be. Something that had bothered Zelephant very much about the idea of being with a man was the thought that the man may have already been with countless women. As she had always believed that a woman’s virginity is a sacred thing, she never would have given it to a man who did not have the decency to wait until marriage.
The problem was that he was only just beginning to learn about Islam. Zelephant knew that a Muslim woman could only marry a Muslim man, and this caused her much distress. She couldn’t understand why Allah s.w.t. would finally put love and desire in her heart, for such a wonderful man, only for the relationship to be forbidden. So it caused a lot of stress for her. But, since he was the only man she had been attracted to, she didn’t want to give up, for she believed that Allah would not put such a love in her heart if it was not meant to be. Allah knows better than we do, and everything happens when Allah wills it.
Zelephant gave him lots of dawah, and he met other Muslims who impressed him with their love for Allah and their unbreakable belief in Islam. Allah s.w.t. is most merciful, and the handsome man, who had lived his life according to Muslim morals and values even when he knew nothing of Islam, was guided to Islam through the purity of his heart and soul, and Allah’s mercy.
Zelephant went with him to the mosque, where he took his shahada. Several minutes after taking his shahada, Zelephant and J. were married. After they left the mosque, as they waited for the bus, J. started talking about how he was going to convert the females in his family first. MashAllah, he already wanted to give dawah minutes after becoming Muslim! Zelephant was very impressed by this, and J. then told her that he had already been telling his friends about Islam for months, long before he took the shahada.
And thus began the greatest happiness that either of them have ever known. J’s eagerness to learn everything possible about Islam in as little time as possible astounded Zelephant so much that she also started reading as much about Islam as possible. MashAllah, everything that J. learns about Islam, he tells to other people. One of his sisters is very close to accepting Islam, Alhamdilullah.
Allah placed in the happy couple a beautiful love, and their relationship is based completely on love- love for Allah, love for Islam, love for the world, and of course, love for each other. Love love love love love. Zelephant is indescribably grateful to Allah for sending her such a wonderful man, and J is indescribably grateful to Allah for guiding him to Islam via the love of Zelephant. SubhanAllah.
And they all lived happily ever after. InshAllah.
May Allah SWT bless you and your husband with good Muslim children! Indeed Allah SWT guides whom He wills. Subhna'Allah, amazing story.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your dua. May Allah bless you and all Muslims with righteous spouses and children! Amin.
ReplyDeletemashaAllah, truly amazing story. reminds me of a hadith: "the worst in jahilliyyah are the best in islam", referring to those who have left jahilliyyah and accepted Islam as their way of life.
ReplyDeleteand it makes so much sense, because if you have gone through the ignorance, then seen the light of islam, you can only appreciate the greatness of islam - probably better than those who have never strayed away from the straight path.
may Allah (swt) grant you happiness forever, in this life and in the Hereafter. ameen.
Thank you so much. This is true about the ignorance. I've been thinking very hard about my sins and how very ignorant I have been at times... every time I realize what I have been doing wrong, I get closer to Allah s.w.t., and I really realize why we are forbidden from doing some things. Allah wants the best for us, we have the Qur'an and the example of the prophet s.a.w. as our guide. I can look back on things, put them in the context of Islamic teachings, and realize why things are forbidden, and how easy it is to go astray when you're not doing everything for the love of Allah.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your dua. May Allah s.w.t keep us all on the straight path, and may Allah be pleased with all of us.