At the very least, realize the sickness that has become a part of you

Salam Aleykam,

This week has been such a struggle for me. I know that Shaitan is locked up, but I'm still feeling things that I just don't want to be feeling, especially during Ramazan. If I'm not crying then I'm furious and engaging in ridiculous flame wars on internet forums. I'm too old for that nonsense.

Ramazan has so many benefits, and a part of me feels like I'm wasting it.. like I'm not experiencing the full greatness of it. I've been mired in self-pity lately, ruminating on the past, feeling persecuted and misunderstood. I usually don't care what other people think of me. I know I'm better than ignorant assumptions, but I've been getting so riled up about some recent altercations, both in real life and here in cyberia.

So, Ramazan is letting me know what's become a part of me and what has been Shaitan whispering in my ears. It's hard to work through these things, because I still don't know how to distinguish what's bipolar and relatively unchangeable, and what's me that I can change.

I've had a depression coming on for the past couple of months, preceded by a hypomania that I halted by putting life on hold. I've succeeded in preventing the usual summer manic episode by basically disappearing from the outside world and ignoring obligations, deadlines, etc. That's what I'm supposed to do when the stress is too much, it's what is always being advised by my handlers. I'm usually too keen to succeed to relax like that, it makes me feel like a failure. And, according to my handlers, this is due to my unhealthy perfectionist attitude, but I'm so far from perfect that I just can't accept that assessment. Anyway, I actually did that this summer, because I just could handle another mania. But this disengagement with reality and life has slowly, slowly, been turning into the lonesome lows. It's not enough to say that this is chemical, I'm married now! My greatest desire has been realized, we've both turned to Allah with devotion and so much love, and our love for each other just.. grows. Every day it grows. I have no reason to be sad.

But oh God: It hurts so much. I am just so, sad! I'm so grateful for everything, and I know that I have no reason to be sad. Whatever horrible things that have happened are in the past, I am truly, truly blessed with what I have right now, I really have everything that I need. I have a wonderful husband and marriage, an increased iman, I'm not in poverty, I'm doing well in school, everything is just fine. But my heart hurts, and every morning after J. leaves for work, it's only a matter of time before the tears start.

So at least let me learn, what is within me and really me, so that I might change it.

I'm an angry lion, I am an emotional elephant. During Ramazan and Eid, on family member's birthdays and certain anniversaries... I just obsess about the past. I am so angry, and I make dua that this anger be extinguished, because it is so destructive, and I hate the way it burns or threatens to burn, everything all around me.

I don't feel as sincere in my fasting because of all of these emotions.

I wish that J. was on vacation now, his work days are as long as ever, very seldom less than twelve hours. I feel horrible for his struggle, although he's doing better than I am. Look at him, working physical labour and fasting, and yes he's struggling, but I'm here at home and I'm the one who's a wreck.

Hasbun Allah wa nimal wakeel, I know, but I just want to be hugged all day. J's the only person I can cry in front of, and even then, it's something I would like to avoid. Last night he wiped away the single tear that fell from my eye when I told him that I can't stop dreaming of my family. He held me and said all of the right things, and I did feel better, but I didn't open up enough to let it all out. That's what online is for, right? It's so much easier to say these things in writing to strangers, rather than have to open up in real life and be vulnerable like that.

Boo hoo, I just need to get over myself.